There is a definite disconnect between my brain and my mouth. They often ignore each other. Either my mouth will not say what my brain is thinking, or when it does, it comes out all garbled and disorganized, like my mouth puréed my thoughts out of spite before serving them. My brain and mouth are an unhappily married couple. They made one little mistake a long time ago, and now they can't undo it because they're Catholic, and God won't let them.
Take for example this interview I recently went through.
I was in Washington, D.C. a few days ago, and while admiring the giant phallus that is the Washington Memorial, my cohorts and I were approached by two cameramen, a mic-wielding young man wearing a "How's Your News" t-shirt, and an administrative-looking chick with a clipboard. The mic-wielder, who introduced himself as Jeremy, asked to interview us.
My boyfriend and his friend flat-out refused, but I hesitated. I had heard of "How's Your News" somewhere, somehow. Plus, I felt bad for the little news crew. The cameramen looked at me with big, pleading puppy eyes, and Jeremy just smiled benignly, waiting for my decision. There was definitely something different about Jeremy. He was a skinny little dude with a pointy nose and outgoing almost to the level of imprudence. But I couldn't put my finger on exactly why he was different. I let it go. He was really friendly (and he said I was pretty), so I agreed to be interviewed.
The ensuing three-way conversation between Jeremy, my brain and my mouth caused me to feel bad about myself for the rest of the day. Here's an excerpt:
JEREMY [dramatically looking around like somebody imitating a news reporter]: So, here we are in our great nation's capital. What would you do to change our great nation?"
MY BRAIN: Oh shit....what do I say? What is this interview really about? If I say something about President Bush, will the secret service drop out of the Phallus Memorial and lock me up? I mean, this is D.C. and they're only a few blocks away. Quick, say something that doesn't involve Bush.
MY MOUTH: First, I'd take Bush out of the White House.
JEREMY: I'm going back to my high school prom. Would you go back to your high school prom and what advice do you have for me?
BRAIN: Hell no I wouldn't go back to my prom! High school was such an awkward time for me.
MOUTH [laughing nervously]: I'd advise you not to go!
JEREMY [surprised]: Why not?
BRAIN: I'm too old! They'd think I was Frankenstein in a dress.
MOUTH: I dunno. It'd just be weird, don't you think?
JEREMY: Well, I still know lots of people there.
BRAIN: He's probably fresh out of high school. I don't know anybody in high school anymore.
MOUTH: Oh, that's all right then.
It was around this point in the conversation that I suddenly remembered what "How's Your News" is. It's a news show that has a cast of news reporters with mental and physical disabilities.
Which means I just made a mentally disabled person feel bad about going back to their high school prom. I said it would be "weird," and I didn't say why it would be "weird." I just said "weird." He could have taken it to mean it would be "weird because you have a mental disability," instead of what I meant, which was "it would be weird because I'm old like Frankenstein."
If you look closely on the tape, I'm sure you can see the exact point I realize who I'm talking to; I do an almost imperceptible forehead slap.
I seriously beat myself up about that whole conversation all day long. My brain gave my mouth hell for ignoring it, but this is not the first time something like this has happened, and it won't be the last. The divide between them is too big, the hurt feelings run too deep. And so, I vowed to never speak again.
Unfortunately, my mouth ignores me too.
3 comments:
This was soooo funny and well written. Don't feel badly, this happens to me all the time. I blame it on low blood sugar. That's why I had to laugh out loud when you wrote that it's "like my mouth puréed my thoughts out of spite before serving them." Oh man, you just made my day because I figured I was the only person with this problem.
yea. add me! i'll add you!
O My Goodness that is too funny! Your the best.
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